1. Your nearest Chimera Café is here:

2. Chimera Café was founded by Karl Marx whilst he was under heavy sedation and having his wisdom teeth removed.

3. Patrons of Chimera Café are respectfully asked to leave their heads tethered to a post outside the premises.

4. At Chimera Café the baristas are bastard barristers who barter barbarously for barbed bananas and barking, barmy bartenders. They serve coffee made of crushed cockroaches. Dark Roach Roast is £13.13 for a tall, £6.66 for a grande and a penny for a venti. A single-shot espresso will cost you your soul if you have one or your mother’s if you don’t. You can also buy Kia-Ora orange with the faint tint of urine and bags of crisps three decades past their best-by date. Buy a can of Croak-a-Cola and the bitter flavouring of 1970 rust comes through.

5. Silk, the café chef, is tainted by fish people genes. Every slice of bread he touches tastes obscurely of the sea.

6. The ostensible purpose of Chimera Café is the retail of unpleasant drinks and snacks. Its real purpose is the derangement of the senses.

7. Once you have entered Chimera Café it is impossible to leave; the maze of tasteful sofas, tables and stools (defecated by the great gods of the South Pacific) never ends.

8. Chimera Café exists only in the mind of a dreaming chimpanzee.

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This piece originally appeared as a series of tweets by James Knight and another (anonymous) member of Chimera