Still Elsewhere

I am often asked if the images I post on this website and on my Twitter feed are my own work. They are. The source pictures are either photos I’ve taken or public domain images. I combine, modify and generally muck about with the source pictures in apps on my iPhone or iPad, until I have an image that fulfils some mysterious criteria that I would struggle to articulate. Very often the finished result is a surprise to me; even if I had set out with a vague intention (for example, to create something nightmarish by fusing a mannequin with an insect), the experimentation and happy imprecision favoured by apps are likely to have taken the image somewhere else altogether. Usually, that somewhere else is a much more interesting place than the one I had imagined. An app invites the user to tap on a filter or an effect and see instantly how it will change the original picture. So, I often find myself trying something I hadn’t planned and seeing my picture evolve in an unexpected way. If I don’t like a step in that evolution, it’s instantly reversible. If I do like it,  I’ve made a discovery! The process is fun and – importantly – anyone with a smartphone or tablet can do it. Anyone can take a picture and play with it until it’s startling, beautiful, interesting.

Most of the pictures I make are achieved using at least two source photos and a combination of two or three apps. What follows is an exception to the rule; each of the images in this post (just like those in my last post) is based on just one photo and was achieved using one app. The source photos were my holiday snaps! I’m enjoying some time in Cornwall, and the pictures that follow document how I see the beaches of this beautiful county more accurately and vividly than the original photos. I hope you like them.




What the mirror showed

The mirror showed what it chose to show, never what the viewer demanded to see.

The mirror didn’t show the back of his head, because the back of his head didn’t exist. You peered into his mask from the inside.

The mirror showed a mannequin but not the blood, brain, heart, lungs, intestines and other organs inside you.

The mirror showed a pile of masks, some cracked, all dirty. You stood next to them, but the mirror didn’t show you.

The mirror didn’t show the nightly massacres taking place behind your eyelids.

The mirror showed pages torn from a notebook, covered in poems, diary entries and obscene doodles, all artfully arranged in the form of a man.

The mirror showed a spurt of blood, a smashed camera, strewn flowers, a copy of Hamlet.

The mirror showed a hand in a glove, a bird in a cage, a thought in a head. You turned off the light to extinguish all three.

The mirror showed a forest, a little girl, a dead wolf. Outside, sirens howled.

The mirror showed your future. Your reflection’s cold, grey skin and sagging mouth smelt of death.

The mirror showed her washing her hands. Blood spattered the white sink. Behind her, in the doorway: a man made of rusty knives.

The mirror showed him the mask he thought he was wearing, not the mask he was wearing, which resembled his face.

The mirror didn’t show the masks you’d buried like corpses. You smoothed your black skirt, admired your stilettos. You were dressed to kill.

The mirror showed itself. Nothing on its silvered surface was real. You stood in front of it, staring at a face.

The mirror showed the house’s empty shell. Vapour trails scarred the sky. Elsewhere, in a dark room, you put on your tie and your fright mask.

The mirror showed a cat, a broken bottle, a trunk exploding with fake furs. She kept to the shadows, out of the light of the setting sun.

The mirror showed your most acceptable mask. While you shaved, the man on the other side of the glass dragged a blade over his throat.

The mirror showed a dream superficially indistinguishable from your day-to-day life. You had no idea.

The mirror showed an empty stage. The audience could be heard muttering and coughing. Put your mask on. Perform.

Garish oneiric pop art

These are the pictures I made as part of my experimental review of M K L Murphy’s novel, The Isle of Minimus. Each comprises a photo of a page from the book, over which is superimposed an object that in some way (and for a particular purpose) represents a human being: a baby doll, a first aid dummy, Barbie dolls, a mannequin. I gave each picture a border, made the colours as gaudy and unnatural as possible and, in two cases, added large symbols and references to the viewer and/or artist (eyes, cameras). I wanted the pictures to connote playing cards or perhaps the starting point for a Twentyfirst Century tarot deck. Their garishness and symbolism sprang naturally from Murphy’s book.

Each of my four pictures became the stimulus for a short text, in which I played freely with characters, themes and images found in The Isle of Minimus. The four-part text-and-image piece is not so much a review of Murphy’s book as a rear view of it, an irreverent but affectionate take on it. I approached Murphy’s theatre not from the front, with its impressive facade, but from the back alley and through the stage door.

You can read my rear view at Minor Literatures.




Loopy

well we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave

The Glitch Witch


The Glitch Witch is an audio experience, best enjoyed on headphones in a dark room. 

I wrote the text (which is available in my collection the mannequins are more real than you) and sent it to Abbie Foxton, who recorded herself reading it. Then I sent the audio file to Adam Wimbush, who worked his mad magic with Abbie’s voice and created the astonishing soundscape that is The Glitch Witch. 

Listen to it here.