Chimera Consultancy’s Recommendations to Prime Minister Theresa May

This week Chimera Consultancy (advisors to big brands Apple, Peach, Melon, Mammon, Moloch and McDonalds) offered Prime Minister Theresa May some simple advice that, if adopted, would solve many of the UK’s big problems, including crime, education and health.

Here are the recommendations in full:

Recommendation one: the NHS

We recommend you replace the NHS with Chimera Wealthcare. We are at the cutting edge of unethical profiteering.

Recommendation two: education

We recommend you replace all schools with Chimera EduOutlets, run by Mechamanagers and staffed by robots.

Recommendation three: law and order

We recommend you outsource all policing to Chimera Insecurity Services. Crime figures will plummet when there are no police officers left to record (let alone investigate) criminal activities. Home Secretary Amber Rudd has already expressed an interest in this recommendation.

Recommendation four: the army

We recommend you disband the army and replace it with Chimera MaxiKill, your comprehensive war solution.

Recommendation five: religion

We recommend you abolish all religions and make attendance at the Church of Chimera compulsory for all. Worship of MEGACROCODOG should be everyone’s civic duty. Chimera puts the fun in fundamentalism!

Recommendation six: government

We recommend you abolish the government and appoint Nigel Farage as CEO of United Kingdom Enterprises Ltd.

—–

Any similarities between these recommendations and those made by Chimera Consultancy to David Cameron in 2014 are purely coincidental.

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In my day…

In my day, you could buy a polythene bag of cigarette butts for 5p. And everyone had a proper haircut.

In my day, plumbers gave free vasectomies whilst reciting patriotic poems. And all the buses were red.

In my day, there was always more than enough sex to go round, with plenty left for seconds. And England was the only country.

In my day, you had to wear rubber pants. No one complained. It kept the doctor away. And it never rained, except on bank holidays.

In my day, sofas were encased in iron. Not like these horrid modern fabric covers. And everyone knew how to twerk.

In my day, we all loved a good war. The kids played genocide in the streets. You could wander around naked and no one complained.

In my day, everyone had a commemorative Sex Pistols mug. Tea never tasted better. You could throw your dog out the window if you wanted.

In my day, the public bogs were palaces. You could get your ears waxed whenever you liked. And nobody farted or said, “Fuck.”

In my day, everyone read Borges. None of that Harry Potter. The grass cut itself. Houses grew on trees.

In my day, you were allowed to nuke people who looked at you funny. We all respected the shopkeepers. And the flu hadn’t been invented.

In my day, you could get Spotify on the wireless for two bob a week. And energy saving lightbulbs were so bright, your face burned.

In my day, babies were delivered to your door. They only cried in the afternoons. They were good as gold. Cats smelt of vanilla.

In my day, a man’s erection was strong enough to lift a car. Criminals were grateful when we flogged them. Curtains were fireproof.

In my day, glass slippers were fitted as standard. Everyone was entitled to a prince. They sold off the broken ones to Taiwan.

In my day, a man could hold his breath for five weeks, if he wanted. TVs were made of platinum and elbow grease.

In my day, you could take your kids to an execution and no one minded. People had manners and didn’t show their teeth, ever.

In my day, most people were Olympic-standard swimmers. You couldn’t move for bald men in Speedos. And gravy was as thick as mud.

In my day, you could get drunk on a teaspoon of shandy. Carrots were 100% carrot. None of them additives. And burglars tidied up after themselves.

In my day, everyone was taught to sight read music at school. We had composers coming out of our ears. Silence didn’t exist.

In my day, it snowed to order on Christmas Day. The presents were so big, it took four people to lift them. We all played Monopoly in the woods.

In my day, 1+1 could equal any number you wanted. There was a magical kingdom in every wardrobe. And dreams were more realistic.

In my day, the central heating was so good, you could cook a chicken with it. We were all used to the heat. If our eyes melted, we just laughed.

In my day, you were allowed to kidnap anyone you wanted, as long as your ransom note didn’t have any bad grammar in it.

In my day, we all wore Andrei Tarkovsky t-shirts on Sundays. No one thought anything of it. And nosey neighbours minded their own business.

In my day, mirrors showed you the future. We often danced in the streets all night. You were allowed the broken clocks for free.

In my day, chocolate was made from blood and was much better for you. Gobstoppers lasted forever. We all slept standing up, like real men.

Oven Ready

The oven was open and we were invited in. The herons had forgotten their knives. Rainbows were out of the question.

Inside it was red and black and red again. Abandon all hope, etc. The ghost of Nigel Farage sang patriotic songs to the broken weasels.

I tried to ask what time it was but the men in Christmas jumpers ignored me. There was some anxiety over Star Wars spoilers.

When you appeared on the scene you gave everyone a load of sass. We were hasgtag and awks. Piglets and piffle baked in a pie.

The cool people were the worst. They paraded their hideous oiled beards throughout the catacombs. Light and badgers fell from my ears.

Facebook frowned and its pages burned. Some considered this a good sign. Hands up, baby, hands up. Give me your love, give me give me…

So we toured Syria and Palestine and Snapchat and Bake Off. It was very entertaining. We all had theories. I piled mine around me.

We disagreed on most things but agreed on building walls. Those fuckers were wrong about everything and my testicles were bigger than theirs.

I updated my profile so they’d cower in the shadow of my gargantuan testicles. Other hairy apes yelled Make America Great Again.

It was still red and black and red again inside the oven. I checked my timeline. Funnies were happening all over the world. Tweet tweet.

The brighter, better selves we had so carefully constructed on social media turned on us, cut our throats, exposed our ugly meat.

Days lasted seconds. World-changing events came in salvos. I washed my corpse in brine and set it on a beach, so it could look at the sea.

Others arrived, albinos born in the ovens, chattering and squeaking, trying to persuade my corpse to leave. I ate a banana.

Sex was sold thinly sliced. We applied it to our ears, mouths and (most of all) eyes. It made our brains misfire but we were addicted.

Other narcotic commodities included reality TV, salt, sarcasm, death metal, current affairs, Happy Meals and empathy. Traders made a killing.

Celebrities lined up to be seen while you flooded the slums with blood. Dip a finger, make a wish. Monochrome poverty in glossy magazines.

Katie Hopkins tried to trigger Armageddon by writing aggressively about her dislike of tomatoes. Clouds shrugged and drifted on.

These were the worst of times, or so we liked to believe. We wrote emails to our past selves, warning them.

The sea stole up on my corpse when I wasn’t looking and turned it to stone. Waves hissed derisively when I realised what had happened.

The oven was red and black and red again. Did I mention that, or was it you? Your iPhone won’t save you. Selfies erode your face.

Warning: Your dreams save automatically to the cloud. This can cause embarrassment or death when they appear on other devices you own.

Alt-right gobshites

Alt-right gobshites unite under your flag of noughts and crooked crosses tell the grievance brigade to shut up while you shout shit

Alt-right gobshites unite and say it like it is say it like it should be after all we’re all Adolphs right why are they so offended by your racist slurs and rapist curs and calls to deport and calls to make walls and calls to make tools with which to build your reich

Alt-right gobshites fight the light and fight to blind us to what’s in plain sight the plight of all of us the plight of the West reliving a horror story from the 1930s walking right into it falling right into it but hey it’s different for the alt-right gobshites they’re well groomed well dressed cool ironic their words are a game there are no rules they’re funtime fascists with meinkampf mindsets LOL though they may seem very nazi they’re entertainers these are just words a provocation a laugh a living who cares about the human targets huddled on boats and street corners the people they’ve branded stamped on (soon: stamped out!) the history lessons unlearned

Alt-right gobshites grease back their hair take their pay make waves take the airwaves pave the way for darkest days.

Ronald McDonald Trump

The “killer clown” craze that began in the United States has gone global, with incidents reported in the United Kingdom. The craze began in the U.S. in August with reports of people dressed as Donald Trump trying to lure children into the woods in South Carolina. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything. These are valid concerns expressed by decent and patriotic citizens from all backgrounds, all over. We also have to be honest about the fact that not everyone who seeks to join our country will be able to successfully assimilate. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything. Schools in Reading, Ohio were closed after a woman reported being attacked by someone dressed as Donald Trump who threatened the students at her school. But the complaints extend far beyond Ohio. At least 40 states have had strange clown sightings so far, and the number keeps on growing. I did try and fuck her. She was married. It’s our right, as a sovereign nation to chose immigrants that we think are the likeliest to thrive and flourish and love us. The claims are preposterous, ludicrous, and defy truth, common sense and logic. We already have substantial evidence to dispute these lies, and it will be made public in an appropriate way and at an appropriate time very soon. The craze has prompted McDonald’s to keep its iconic clown, Ronald McDonald Trump, out of sight for now. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful clowns. I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. The recent epidemic of “killer clown” sightings across the U.S. may be the best thing about 2016 — and that’s saying a lot. I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there. And she was married. In London, reports include a clown confronting a man with a hockey stick, clowns chasing children and a knife-carrying clown on a bicycle following a woman. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything. Because we need a very powerful, very beautiful border. I moved on her like a bitch. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything. That will stop those people coming into our country.

Loopy

well we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave

The wooden man: 12 fragments for Easter

The wooden man came to her in a cloud in a vision in a dream in a story. When he spoke, his tongue clacked against his teeth.

—–

As soon as she woke up, she knew the wooden man was in her belly. She felt heavy with him, fatigued. All she wanted to eat was sawdust.

—–

The wooden man was born on the night of a storm that felled a thousand trees. He fell from his red confinement and jittered across the floor.

—–

The wooden man had no time for childhood. He set to work immediately, splicing humans with sheep in an underground laboratory.

—–

The wooden man slept in a coffin. Every morning was a new life. The broken animals he fabricated bleated and cheered every time the lid flew off.

—–

The wooden man lay down on the sea and floated. Seagulls perched on him, shrieking with laughter as the waves swelled.

—–

The wooden man made enemies fast. They feared his stiff authority. When they grudgingly shook his hand, he gave them splinters.

—–

On the 13th of every month, the wooden man stepped into a wardrobe, to commune with his father. His heart glowed. Words fell like ashes.

—–

One day, the wooden man’s enemies caught him breaking the laws of physics by being in two places at once. He was sentenced to burning.

—–

The wooden man requested lamb chops as his last meal. He washed them down with human blood. Then they stuck him on a bonfire and partied.

—–

The day after the wooden man’s burning, the wind puffed his ashes into a cloud. The sheep-men swore it made the shape of a fish.

—–

The factories closed years ago. The city belongs to the rats. The wooden man’s ghost sits in a skip, carving forgotten names into his arms.