Oven Ready

The oven was open and we were invited in. The herons had forgotten their knives. Rainbows were out of the question.

Inside it was red and black and red again. Abandon all hope, etc. The ghost of Nigel Farage sang patriotic songs to the broken weasels.

I tried to ask what time it was but the men in Christmas jumpers ignored me. There was some anxiety over Star Wars spoilers.

When you appeared on the scene you gave everyone a load of sass. We were hasgtag and awks. Piglets and piffle baked in a pie.

The cool people were the worst. They paraded their hideous oiled beards throughout the catacombs. Light and badgers fell from my ears.

Facebook frowned and its pages burned. Some considered this a good sign. Hands up, baby, hands up. Give me your love, give me give me…

So we toured Syria and Palestine and Snapchat and Bake Off. It was very entertaining. We all had theories. I piled mine around me.

We disagreed on most things but agreed on building walls. Those fuckers were wrong about everything and my testicles were bigger than theirs.

I updated my profile so they’d cower in the shadow of my gargantuan testicles. Other hairy apes yelled Make America Great Again.

It was still red and black and red again inside the oven. I checked my timeline. Funnies were happening all over the world. Tweet tweet.

The brighter, better selves we had so carefully constructed on social media turned on us, cut our throats, exposed our ugly meat.

Days lasted seconds. World-changing events came in salvos. I washed my corpse in brine and set it on a beach, so it could look at the sea.

Others arrived, albinos born in the ovens, chattering and squeaking, trying to persuade my corpse to leave. I ate a banana.

Sex was sold thinly sliced. We applied it to our ears, mouths and (most of all) eyes. It made our brains misfire but we were addicted.

Other narcotic commodities included reality TV, salt, sarcasm, death metal, current affairs, Happy Meals and empathy. Traders made a killing.

Celebrities lined up to be seen while you flooded the slums with blood. Dip a finger, make a wish. Monochrome poverty in glossy magazines.

Katie Hopkins tried to trigger Armageddon by writing aggressively about her dislike of tomatoes. Clouds shrugged and drifted on.

These were the worst of times, or so we liked to believe. We wrote emails to our past selves, warning them.

The sea stole up on my corpse when I wasn’t looking and turned it to stone. Waves hissed derisively when I realised what had happened.

The oven was red and black and red again. Did I mention that, or was it you? Your iPhone won’t save you. Selfies erode your face.

Warning: Your dreams save automatically to the cloud. This can cause embarrassment or death when they appear on other devices you own.

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Alt-right gobshites

Alt-right gobshites unite under your flag of noughts and crooked crosses tell the grievance brigade to shut up while you shout shit

Alt-right gobshites unite and say it like it is say it like it should be after all we’re all Adolphs right why are they so offended by your racist slurs and rapist curs and calls to deport and calls to make walls and calls to make tools with which to build your reich

Alt-right gobshites fight the light and fight to blind us to what’s in plain sight the plight of all of us the plight of the West reliving a horror story from the 1930s walking right into it falling right into it but hey it’s different for the alt-right gobshites they’re well groomed well dressed cool ironic their words are a game there are no rules they’re funtime fascists with meinkampf mindsets LOL though they may seem very nazi they’re entertainers these are just words a provocation a laugh a living who cares about the human targets huddled on boats and street corners the people they’ve branded stamped on (soon: stamped out!) the history lessons unlearned

Alt-right gobshites grease back their hair take their pay make waves take the airwaves pave the way for darkest days.

Ronald McDonald Trump

The “killer clown” craze that began in the United States has gone global, with incidents reported in the United Kingdom. The craze began in the U.S. in August with reports of people dressed as Donald Trump trying to lure children into the woods in South Carolina. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything. These are valid concerns expressed by decent and patriotic citizens from all backgrounds, all over. We also have to be honest about the fact that not everyone who seeks to join our country will be able to successfully assimilate. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything. Schools in Reading, Ohio were closed after a woman reported being attacked by someone dressed as Donald Trump who threatened the students at her school. But the complaints extend far beyond Ohio. At least 40 states have had strange clown sightings so far, and the number keeps on growing. I did try and fuck her. She was married. It’s our right, as a sovereign nation to chose immigrants that we think are the likeliest to thrive and flourish and love us. The claims are preposterous, ludicrous, and defy truth, common sense and logic. We already have substantial evidence to dispute these lies, and it will be made public in an appropriate way and at an appropriate time very soon. The craze has prompted McDonald’s to keep its iconic clown, Ronald McDonald Trump, out of sight for now. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful clowns. I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. The recent epidemic of “killer clown” sightings across the U.S. may be the best thing about 2016 — and that’s saying a lot. I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there. And she was married. In London, reports include a clown confronting a man with a hockey stick, clowns chasing children and a knife-carrying clown on a bicycle following a woman. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything. Because we need a very powerful, very beautiful border. I moved on her like a bitch. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything. That will stop those people coming into our country.

Loopy

well we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave all them foreigners them illegal immigrants and Polish plumbers and terrorists all that lot now we’ve voted for them to leave properly for good we can get back to being England again all of us all us hard-working people who just want a better life who work our fingers to the bone nine to five all week who laid down our lives in two world wars for our country which went to the dogs the minute they started letting them immigrants in them asylum seekers and cleaners and nurses and terrorists who come over here stealing our English jobs our English houses our English women our English football our English breakfasts our English way of life our English breakfast tea our English money our English weather them fucking foreigners who asked them over anyway it weren’t me that’s for sure it weren’t anyone I know them fucking foreigners well at last we can deport them now anyone who looks a bit foreign or talks a bit foreign or has a foreign sounding name will be sent packing we’ll see to that don’t you worry them fucking foreigners coming over here stealing our English language our English heritage our English bulldogs our English sense of humour our English sense of fair play coming over here swarming over here like a fucking plague of locusts if you ask me spoiling the views in the Lake District bunging up the pipes slowing down my wifi eating holes in our pockets destroying our English way of life so thank God everyone in England voted to leave the EU which is run by bloody foreigners and Germans and terrorists who just want to take our sovereignty and our money and our dignity and our emissions and our cucumbers and our say in what goes on in the rest of the world them fucking Nazi terrorist EU bureaucrats telling us what to do telling us what to eat telling us what to wear banning our English flag and our English sense of decency them fucking foreigners well now we’ve voted for them to leave

The wooden man: 12 fragments for Easter

The wooden man came to her in a cloud in a vision in a dream in a story. When he spoke, his tongue clacked against his teeth.

—–

As soon as she woke up, she knew the wooden man was in her belly. She felt heavy with him, fatigued. All she wanted to eat was sawdust.

—–

The wooden man was born on the night of a storm that felled a thousand trees. He fell from his red confinement and jittered across the floor.

—–

The wooden man had no time for childhood. He set to work immediately, splicing humans with sheep in an underground laboratory.

—–

The wooden man slept in a coffin. Every morning was a new life. The broken animals he fabricated bleated and cheered every time the lid flew off.

—–

The wooden man lay down on the sea and floated. Seagulls perched on him, shrieking with laughter as the waves swelled.

—–

The wooden man made enemies fast. They feared his stiff authority. When they grudgingly shook his hand, he gave them splinters.

—–

On the 13th of every month, the wooden man stepped into a wardrobe, to commune with his father. His heart glowed. Words fell like ashes.

—–

One day, the wooden man’s enemies caught him breaking the laws of physics by being in two places at once. He was sentenced to burning.

—–

The wooden man requested lamb chops as his last meal. He washed them down with human blood. Then they stuck him on a bonfire and partied.

—–

The day after the wooden man’s burning, the wind puffed his ashes into a cloud. The sheep-men swore it made the shape of a fish.

—–

The factories closed years ago. The city belongs to the rats. The wooden man’s ghost sits in a skip, carving forgotten names into his arms.

In the beginning

In the beginning was MEGACROCODOG and MEGACROCODOG was with God and was God and was a lampshade with a pretty butterfly pattern and was everything conceivable except herpes and cockroaches and the long queue for a bus unlikely ever to materialise from the boundless beneficence of MEGACROCODOG’s divine mind which was the world and not the world and not to be argued with though free will was given to His creatures crawling and walking and flying and swimming in the blissful certainty of the existence of a creator they had never seen and who never wrote to them and who rarely appeared to them in dreams except as a saucy nun hitching up her habit to give a flash of her holy hole from which came the solemn edicts of the dead lying in wait of their paradise under the starry gaze of MEGACROCODOG and all His angels and badgers and watchmen and redeemed thieves and reformed perjurers and deformed dogs barking silently whenever their guardian tugged their adamantine chains in love and not wrath and blessed them with the power of speech setting the world of words in perpetual emotion. 

13 statements about the United States of Chimerica made by the Bird King during a press conference in the basement of his ruined palace

1. Jesus made the United States of Chimerica from the hide of a gator he killed with his bare hands back in the winter of ’81.

2. The people of the United States of Chimerica are watched over by a straight-talkin’ angel with hillbilly eyes and a crown of nuclear missiles.

3. Chimerican iconography 1:
Ronald McDonald smiling beatifically whilst firing a shotgun at a spinning globe.

4. Chimerican English is the language of commerce, war, touchscreen dreams, charity, love, power, landscapes, mindscapes and escapes.

5. God told Abraham Lincoln to establish the NRA. When the End Days come, the Statue of Liberty will hunt down those who won’t kiss the gun.

6. The flag of the United States of Chimerica is usually referred to as “the Scars and Stripes.”

7. Chimerican iconography 2:
The all-seeing eye, held in the teeth of a piranha.

8. On Independence Day, George Washington gave birth to the Empire State Building and a plague of dollars descended on the USSR.

9. The Boston Tea Party was orchestrated by Jesus, disguised as the Mad Hatter.

10. The Chimerican Intelligence Agency has exterminated all non-human animal species and replaced them with Simubots™ equipped with cameras.

11. Chimerican iconography 3:
A bald eagle crucified on a pylon. In the background: a burning bush, in the shape of a man.

12. At night, Ronald Raygun delivers triumphal nightmares in the subterranean maternity ward of the Pentagon.

13. We all live in the United States of Chimerica.