1. It is not advisable to allow Dr Chimera to take your temperature.

2. Whatever the diagnosis, Dr Chimera always prescribes a course of dried rats’ brains.

3. Dr Chimera enjoys administering napalm enemas to influential individuals whose politics differ from his.

4. Dr Chimera runs a private clinic staffed by hyenas. Patients who fail to facilitate performance targets are binned, shredded or atomised.

5. Dr Chimera takes every opportunity to poo-poo Dr Manticore’s combined health clinic/funeral parlour empire.

6. Dr Chimera specialises in the treatment of psoriasis, baldness, creationism and broken heads.

7. Dr Chimera disputes the reality of most major illnesses, which he regards as the psychosomatic byproducts of poor reading habits. In his book Have a Heart, he attributes coronary disease to neurosis brought about by reading the novels of Will Self and Jilly Cooper. As for slipped discs and other spinal problems, he has stated quite emphatically that they’re brought about by reading Russell Brand. Finally, Dr Chimera warns that if you have ever read anything by Martin Amis you will, at some point, experience severe vomiting and diarrhoea.